Mama's Home!

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!  Heeellllllpp.  It is Saturday morning (a beautiful Saturday morning, by the way).  I am alone with my kids...and EVERYONE is all up in my grill.  An hour and a half of non-stop interruption and NO quiet time during my morning Bible time.  I am a volcano ready to erupt.  Happy Graduation!  Mama's officially home, and just about ready (ALREADY?!) to turn back and bolt.  I need a hero! #parenting

It's not that I have a tendency to exaggerate.  It might SEEM that way, of course, but the truth is whatever I feel, I feel it that INTENSELY.  I am a highly sensitive individual, after all.  Whereas one person might be a little irritated, I am RAGING IRATE.  Have you not noticed all the all caps and exclamation points?!  Those are not just cute little additions, my friends, they represent the intensity of my emotions.  This IS Kristen Shanna, and I feel VERY passionately about everything I feel.  It is 0 or 10, there is no lukewarm over here.

Ah, but...emotions are fickle and fleeting, are they not?  In all honesty, my ability to experience conflicting emotions simultaneously, is a confounding conundrum to me.  While I may be angry or irritated or disappointed in a child, there is ALWAYS a simultaneous, ever-present and underlying gratitude...because every last one of these people who call me Mom was a hard-earned blessing from God.  I will never completely understand the significance of 4 in my life, but it is blatantly present.  I have four children.  I lost four children.  My surviving children are all exactly 4 calendar years and 4 calendar months apart.  What is this?  Who knows.  I could reflect, and go on, I'm sure, but the most important point to me is that these people, while they may wear me out and stretch my patience beyond the breaking point...they are the ones to whom I am completely committed and intensely devoted.  And I'm pretty sure they kind of like me, too...

Dillon found out last night that I have officially graduated.  "Wait...does that mean you won't go to Synergy anymore?!"

"Yes."

HUGE smile, "So, you will just come home after school?"

"Yep."

"Yaaaaaaayyyy!  I HATED Synergy."

Shaking my head.  It seems to be the going thing around here.  (Too bad, really, because it truly is a wonderful place, and it will forever hold a special spot in my heart that is anything but hate. 💖)  But...it has taken me away from my priorities here, and my priorities have noticed.  Matt swears he already sees a wonderful change in me.  I swear the change is just that I am actually here.   At least I know they missed me.  But, honestly, being home can be just as difficult as being gone all the time  (for your information, I am an expert, since I have fully experienced both).

If it's not the kids, it's the pets.  I mean, Sloth is just out there living his best bunny life, but for real...I have NEVER heard of such a needy cat.  I have had a little more time around the house lately, especially so, since I had to take the last two days off (yes, I have officially documented and reported my sick days 😉).  Coughing and congestion is starting to spread like wildfire around here.  Yet, I have managed to spend a lot of time in the garden, and a lot of time getting caught up on a very desperate house.  But, seriously, EVERY time I sit down, this cat is on my lap and in my face...just like one of the kids.  And I have to be honest, I am not THAT big on cuddling.  I'm not one for being tied down to one spot.  I have literally had to shut him out of my room, so he would go choose someone else.  Or I have held him like a baby (as that's what they have taught him is normal - HUGE eye roll) and marched him upstairs to hand him over directly to his #1.  I do NOT have time for this.  (Ok.  Ok.  Sometimes...like once a week or so...it is nice to have such a cuddly cat.  Especially when I am feeling particularly heartbroken.  But...that's all I have to say about that.)

Honestly, it really took some time to analyze the problem.

I used to get soooooo frustrated entering a room with Matt and the kids.  It was calm.  Always calm.  I mean...for real.  No matter who was in there with him, wild kid or mellow kid...everything was chill.  UNTIL...I walked into the room.  Instantly, the whole thing would go up in flames, and everyone was on 10.  Every.  Single.  Time.  It took us awhile to realize exactly what was going on.  I walked into the room = Eeeeverybody was excited, because I am Mama.  I AM their excitement.  When I walk into the room, the party comes with me.  It is inherent in my title.

Exhausting.  I cannot go around always being everyone's entertainer. There is only so much of me to go around.  Fortunately for me, I am going round to fewer places these days (as of last Friday), and I am hopeful I will get caught up on some much needed rest and peace.  Of course, if I know myself, I won't allow myself to stay in too much peace for too long.  I mean...within the first hour and a half of the first morning of my first day of being done with this Master's, I was already exasperated with boredom.  This "resting" might be just as difficult for me!  But if I know my husband, it will last until he is good and ready to let up on the new ban on ALL extracurricular activities.   (And after this year, I am pretty sure that ban will last awhile. #tryingmypatience)  Just between us, while I am sitting quietly, I will keep my eyes open for the next potential adventure.  😉😂

I mean...we do have Iceland coming up.  And I can not WAIT to take you with me!

As Always, Your Homie...Kristen


Comments