Closing the Door

Tough week.  What person in their right mind would be sad about NOT having to work 20 extra hours and keep up with classwork?    You guys...I'm starting to think I'm not in my right mind!!  😱  I mean, I know I stink at closing doors...you should have seen when I tried it once.  Stiff...awkward...indefinitive.  Ok????  It was just terrible!!  And I especially CANNOT close doors when it involves people, because I just love so much my heart aches.  I don't like saying goodbye...even when it is for a short time.

But I'm not just sad.  I'm scared.  I'm terrified about how I am going to cope when I leave this role behind.  I have loved this role.  I have hated it at times, but I have loved it.  How much more needed could I have felt this year?  And feeling necessary, needed...wanted...loved...that's ALWAYS been my biggest heart issue.  I have surely felt needed this year, all around the block.  Will I feel so necessary when I lay down a role?  Oh...I'll BE necessary, certainly, especially to a certain 5 people...but will that be enough to fulfill my selfish desire?  It's never enough.  It's a funny thing, desire.  If I had it fulfilled, then where would I be?  What now?  Desire is never satiated.  When it is fulfilled, it sours in your mouth, and you are on to the next thing.  If you HAD what you wanted, you wouldn't want it anymore...and THAT, my friends is LIFE.  I will never ever, ever feel like enough...because there is ALWAYS something more...and THAT is why I don't count on me.  Dissatisfaction is my default.  I will never be content if I rely on my own instincts and emotions.  I have to look to something bigger than me.

I tried this week.  I was emotional.  It was my last full day at my internship...my last "official" appointment with a VERY important client...and my heart just ached.  I carried SO MUCH baggage into that classroom...and a kid was escalated and shouting!  BUT...come to find out...kid was really heartbroken over a very recent breakup...and my heart broke harder, and I just wanted to cry, too.  (He's a bad boy...for breaking her heart...🎶) But I held in my own heartache, and I changed the content to adapt to kid's needs (we studied practice tests for the driver's permit, so everyone could quietly study, independently), and I gently guided kid through the hour.  And we made it.  And kid was grateful.  And it's probably a really good thing it was me there that day, but I carried the additional pain with me as I walked out of the classroom.  (#transference) And I knew I needed SOMETHING to get me through!  So, I cried out in prayer.  And the song "Red, Red, Wine" came on the radio...so, I'm pretty sure that was legit prophecy right there.  😉😂 (May need to reconsider my station choices?!!)

No, this is a pain I am going to just have to sit with.  It's obviously not going to go away, whether I run from it, or ignore it, or try to swallow it.  It's going to follow me until I face it, deal with it and cope through.  This is goodbye.  And even though there are good things about it...I mean, SERIOUSLY!  Think of how much less stress and how much MORE time I will have!...there are still little griefs I will have to process through.  This is goodbye.  It may be temporary.  It may be permanent.  And the unknown is what bothers me the most.  Will I ever see them again?  Our paths didn't cross before I entered that building.  How on earth will our paths ever cross again?!!  Will I ever enter that building again?  Maybe our paths won't cross on earth at all...will they eternally?!   🤷‍♀️ But if I dwell on these things, I might surely go crazy.  I am going to acknowledge the pain.  I will
recognize it.  I will name it.  I will cry when the appropriate opportunity presents itself.  And then, I will turn to trust and hope.  I serve a very good and loving God, and I will hold out hope that this will ALL turn out okay.  That my deepest desires (the ones that are not surface and fleeting) will be fulfilled.  And, instead of saying good-bye, I am going to take the advice of a very precious client.  I am going to say, "See ya later!"  Because you never really know, so, why just assume the negative.  God is good, and God is loving.  And if it is something pure for which my heart aches, then maybe...just maybe...some day my heart will be fulfilled.  And if not...He will take care of that.  I do not need to concern myself with it.  Focusing on the potential negative never got me anywhere.  I'm going to assume opportunity will present itself, and it will ALL be ok. 

Always your homie!  Kristen

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