Such a Fragile, Tough Creature

Man, oh man, Friday had a rough start.  I got all weepy Thursday night (I've actually been quite weepy all week???  #emotional), and I stayed up too late.  I woke up Friday pretty sure I was going to keel over with exhaustion.  True fact.  I stood in the kitchen with my head on my elbows, supported by the counter, and I almost fell back to sleep, as I prayed and contemplated taking a sick day.  I chose to drink my mocha and push through.

I had prepped an easy and fun lesson for my classes, who were on their last day of school before spring break.  Job Skills BINGO!  (with pretty awesome cupcake prizes - stolen from my pantry...sorry kids!)  There are a couple of classes I see, 2 in fact, which are particularly hard for me to get to.  Unfortunately, they also happen to be two of my very favorite groups of people, so I cannot NOT go.  It always seems to fall on my bus duty day, and I am scrambling to get Dillon on the bus and get Evan to Grandma's, and 8 am is just not possible.  Friday, it was particularly not possible, because the bus was a little late, and traffic was A LOT annoying (I am starting to get REALLY bad about that.  Sometimes I pretend the people riding my rear are chasing me, and that makes it more fun, but I just don't know what to do to have a positive take on those left lane slow pokes! 👿 ).

By the time I walked into the school, I was stressed out and distraught and totally second-guessing myself about walking into the class at such an obscene time to teach them about ALWAYS being on time for work.  #hypocrite  I was still thinking about giving up and going back home when my autopilot drew me straight through the door.  And, you guys...if you had seen the look on these kids faces...the pure joy of just seeing me.  How am I so fortunate?  And, for their precious sakes, how could I ever dare to give up?!  And then, one of my particular favorites, shouted out, "WELCOME!" and my heart melted, and I dove right in with the condensed version (and I didn't leave until everybody won, because that is MY way).

I really am a fragile creature.  I am insecure and self-doubting, emotional and terrified, and I spend so much time and effort coping and redirecting my naturally negative thinking.  But look at the reward that effort brings!  ☝  #soworthit

Do you know that feeling of being alone in a crowded room?  I once had a friend who would walk into a crowded elevator, where everyone was all awkward and looking down trying not to make eye contact, and face all the people and just stare at them.  I always thought that was so bold.  I cringe in those situations.  (And we all know about my embarrassing elevator encounters, when I try to make things less awkward. 😳)  Sometimes being in a crowded room can be the absolute worst...awkward, anxious, lonely.

I had a moment this week.  I felt soooo alone.  COMPLETELY DISCONNECTED.  It might have been a misdirected look, an accidental overheard comment, or just the complete and utter silence that broke me, I don't know.  But my heart ached, and I wanted to cry, and I felt so unwanted and all alone.  And...then...a co-worker honked to startle me as I walked across the parking lot, and we laughed.  And a couple of my work besties (unconnected) made pipe cleaner art (a flower and a self-portrait 💖) and gave it to me, and it is a small thing, but it is a big thing, and my heart swelled, and I remembered I am loved.  Sometimes, I am just so stinking needy!  But...these are the waves that are my emotions, and I ride hard to stay afloat.

The exhausting pace doesn't help things.  I'm always more emotional when I'm tired.  Ah...but...we are getting close.  So close I can't almost taste it.  (And honestly, I'm a little fearful of becoming bored when it's all said and done.  I do tend to have a restless spirit. Maybe chaos just suits me.  😂)

And speaking of chaos...#worktrips.  I found out this week I will be out of town for the Royal's upcoming Home Opener, and that is completely and utterly unacceptable to me.  The boys are FINALLY back in town, and I am out the door.  Ah, well...at least I will have something to entertain me on the 5 hour drive home. Yep...that's a thing.  Actually, looking forward to the rewards inherent in these travel requirements, so...Always a rainbow in it somewhere. #ilovedrury

I am grateful for a family day tomorrow and taking in all the time I can get with these people I call mine.  I had a rare moment eating out with all four kids today.  And the weather was divine.  Enjoy the sunshine when it comes, and rest up when things are calm.  Have a happy week, my friends!

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